What Fit Looks Like: A Black Woman’s Journey

I tried to fit into someone else’s standard of beauty for too long. Now I’m creating my ownI have an unhealthy obsession with mirrors. It started when I was a teenager taking dance classes at first one, then two, then three different studios. Ballet, tap, jazz, modern, acrobatics — I did it allIn the beginning, it was fun. I did it for the love of the art form and for the friends I madeBut somewhere around the age of 14, I began to take it more seriously and see it as a possible career — a future where I could combine my love for the performing arts with my love for writing. By 18, I decided I wanted to major in dance and English so I could write and choreograph musicals.

But I had a secret. I wasn’t healthy. I was purging to keep my weight down ahead of every major performance, audition, or anytime the scale crept up higher than my likingIt’s no secret that the dance world has historically elevated a standard of beauty and fitness that’s unattainable for many — and for Black girls, especiallMy quest to pursue a professional dance career meant forcing myself to meet an expectation that wasn’t designed with me in mindIt was the first time I felt what so many Black women have felt when trying to navigate the fitness world, where the message is that the “ideal” body isn’t a Black body.

Leo Patrizi/Getty ImagLetting go of impossible standarRejection compounded the pressure I felt as a dancer. After auditioning for several university dance programs, the top programs said “no,” and those I was accepted into, I didn’t want to attend (though now as an adult I truly question my reasons for turning down Howard).ejection and unattainable standards are a potent combinationI binged when I craved sweets and junk food, or anytime, really, because I also liked to eat. I enjoy food — it doesn’t matter if it’s baked salmon seasoned with dill and a side of sautéed kale with garlic, or a large chicken finger plate from Zaxby’s. Mealtime is a time that makes me and my stomach happy.

And afterward, I purged when I felt like I needed to control the outcomeWhen I finally started college, I auditioned for the dance program at my university twice. I was rejected twice. At 19, I accepted the fact that dance was something I could not make a living doing, no matter how much I loved itI settled for dancing with an on-campus extracurricular company and switched my academic focus to journalism and creative writing.

By releasing the pressure I put on myself to excel at dance, I was able to release some of my unhealthy habits, too. Soon after I started undergraduate school, I stopped my cycle of binging and purgingThe “freshman 15” was my friend. I went to the gym when I felt like it, going through cycles of working out heavily to not wanting to work out at all. More than a decade later, these are still my habits, for better or worse.